The Maker of Change

There are times in life when we find ourselves in a place where we are completely unhappy. Nothing seems to be working out in our favor. No matter how hard we try, it feels like everything is working against us.

Maybe it's a relationship. Maybe it's your career. Maybe it's your family, your circumstances, or simply the way you've been feeling for so long that you can't remember when you started feeling this way.

When we find ourselves in that place, I think there is an important, and sometimes uncomfortable, question we have to be willing to ask ourselves:

What is within my control that is keeping me in this place?

It's not until we are willing to ask ourselves that question that we can really begin to create and cultivate change in our lives.

We hear people say all the time that people don't change. I don't necessarily agree with that.

I think people absolutely can change.

Change is just difficult.

Change requires us to look at ourselves. It requires us to take accountability for things we may not have wanted to take accountability for in the past. It means recognizing our patterns, our choices, the boundaries we haven't set, the things we've continued to tolerate, and sometimes even the ways we've contributed to situations that make us unhappy.

That can be uncomfortable.

But accountability isn't the same thing as blame.

There are things that happen to us that are completely outside of our control. We cannot control other people's choices. We cannot control how someone treats us. We cannot control every loss, disappointment, circumstance, or unexpected turn that life puts in front of us.

What we can do is begin looking for the parts that belong to us.

Because if there is something within your control that is contributing to where you are, that also means there is something within your control that can help you get somewhere different.

And I think there is something incredibly powerful about that.

Therapy Can Give You the Tools

I tell my clients all the time: I can give you tools.

I can provide education. I can help you understand what's happening in your mind and your body in deeper and more intimate ways. I can help you recognize patterns you may not have noticed before or understand why you react a certain way when something happens.

Therapy can help us understand what is happening inside of us, especially when we don't have control over what is happening outside of us.

I can teach you skills for challenging your thoughts. We can work on mindfulness, nervous system regulation, boundaries, coping skills, communication, or learning to sit with emotions that you may have spent years trying to avoid.

Those things matter.

But there is one thing I can't do.

I can't create the change for you.

I can't put those skills into practice for you.

I can't say your affirmations for you.

I can't practice mindfulness for you.

I can't set your boundaries for you.

I can't make the difficult decision for you.

I can't decide that today is the day you're going to do something differently.

What I can do is give you a safe place to figure it out. I space to facilitate change. I can provide support, perspective, education, and tools. I can sit beside you while you work through the uncomfortable parts and help you better understand yourself along the way.

But ultimately, you are the person who has to take those tools out into your life and use them.

You Are the Maker of Change

I think sometimes we underestimate how much power there is in realizing that.

You don't have to control everything around you in order to change your life.

You don't have to wait for another person to change first.

You don't have to have everything figured out.

You just have to begin identifying what is within your control and decide what you're willing to do with it.

Maybe you set the boundary.

Maybe you finally have the conversation.

Maybe you stop repeating a pattern that you know isn't serving you anymore.

Maybe you ask for help.

Maybe you start practicing the skill you've talked about in therapy instead of waiting until you feel ready.

Maybe you simply make one different choice today.

Change doesn't usually happen in one giant, life-altering moment. More often, it happens through small choices made over and over again. And sometimes those choices are uncomfortable before they ever begin to feel freeing.

Creating a life that feels happy, enjoyable, peaceful, or meaningful doesn't mean everything around you will suddenly become easy. It means learning to recognize the places where you have power, even when there are things happening around you that you cannot control.

You can learn.

You can practice.

You can make a different choice.

You can try again.

You can decide something isn't working anymore.

And you can choose to create something new.

Therapy can help you find the tools.

It can help you understand yourself.

It can support you while you figure out where you want to go next.

But the person who ultimately takes those steps?

That's you.

Because you are the maker of change.